Why do I run?

Why do I run?

I was bruised and battered; I couldn’t tell what I felt

I was unrecognizable to myself

My reflection in the window, didn’t know my own face…

In early November, I was, hobbling and cramping, trying to run my first international marathon at New York. On the windswept streets of five boroughs, I could hear this song, On the Streets of Philadelphia, by Bruce Springsteen echoing in my head.

In last few years, I have added recreational running to my daily life. It hasn’t been a seamless integration and has led to many significant lifestyle changes. I have been attributing running to my mid-life-crisis (to a large extent it is true!). Most of my friends feel that I run almost every other day and I am dying to go out and run. Reality is far from it.

Let me rewind the clock a bit and go back to where it all started. Not so long ago, I felt that I have been caught in an unending spiral of incessant work, occasional socializing with the same group of people and mind numbing cribs about the same issues. I was looking to break away from that routine and serendipity led me to running.

I have never, ever played any sport in my life. I tried playing Squash, Badminton, Tennis, etcetera (looked very easy!) but I couldn’t even make it to a basic level of competence. I tried to analyze my performance and the only logical reason I could come to was that of a micro second gap in my eye-hand coordination. I was just that crucial split second late. Compared to racket sports, running is quite a linear exercise.  You just go out and run. You don’t need any fancy equipment or access to special sports facilities.

So, in last few years I have done 5 full marathons including one international (New York) and countless Half Marathons. I am still a very average runner but I think I know now – at least that’s what I feel in last two months post NY run – what it takes to better your time; run fast and run in an efficient manner.

Running has led to many interesting changes. I have a social circle now where we fret about dinnertime and socializing on weekends. Most of the time, we end up meeting on Sunday evening. My running mates and I can talk incessantly about running injuries, carb loading, hill run, fartlek, and interval-workouts for hours. Early morning at 6 o’clock we behave like bunch of teenagers laughing our guts out for no reason.

On a serious note, it has led me to think of life and running from a very different perspective. A friend of mine recently made a profound observation about how running is not at all about strong legs. Just like everything else in life, it starts from your head. You need to be mentally strong and disciplined to stick to a plan for more than six months to make any progress. You need to have a good breathing technique to ensure that your cardio vascular system works in an efficient manner. You need to ensure that you have strong core and back to support you when you are on the road for more than 4 hours. Once you have done strengthening of your mind, cardio, spine and core, legs come to play.

Another friend of mine brought in a counter intuitive knowledge to bridge a gap between meditation and running. Humans are born lazy. It takes us very little time to get used to comfort of any kind. It requires discipline to push away the instant gratification. Running forces us to abandon our comfort zone and consciously push ourselves to a position where short-term pain will lead to a long-term benefit. At the same time, our mind is constantly active. Meditation brings in a sense of order to the chaos in mind. So, there is a connection between running and meditation where there is a reward at a much later date.

Running also introduced me to a wonderful writer, Haruoki Murakami. He wrote a fabulous book called, What I talk about when I talk about running? From his book:

“… running is both exercise and a metaphor. Running day after day, piling up the races, bit by bit I raise the bar, and by clearing each level I elevate myself. At least that's why I’ve put in the effort day after day: to raise my own level. I am no great runner, by any means. I am at an ordinary – or perhaps more like a mediocre – level. But that’s not the point. The point is whether or not I improved over yesterday. In long distance running the only opponent you have to beat is yourself the way you used to be.”

It’s a bible for every runner. For a very long time, I read it every Saturday night before my long run on Sunday. It is a small, thin book but every single page opens a new window to the running and writing. Murakami brings in a monk like discipline to his running and writing. As a reader, you can see how his two worlds are entwined with each other. In both cases, progress is painfully slow but it is very much there.

Running is a simple, linear ritualistic exercise. Simple repetition of one step after another can create a space where you will confront your demons and see life in a new light. One of my running friends introduced me to a National Geographic fellow, Paul Salopek, a Pulitzer award winner. Paul has decided to trace the human migration by walking for 21,000 miles over 7 years. He is a fabulous writer. His posts from his long walks have a genteel sense of humor. Informative and full of wisdom in a world that is hell-bent on speeding up things, Paul’s writing and his simple act of walking brings a new clarity.

I used to listen to music during my run earlier but now I try to hear my own voice and see things around me. Mumbai is a crowded, dirty city. The only saving grace to Mumbai is its sea. Thanks to my running, I have been fortunate to see Mumbai in its most glorious moments. I try to run in every city that I visit now.

Most of the athletes strive to get in a zone where their body merges with their sports. That must be a pinnacle of leaving everything behind and be in a trance. I haven’t experienced such trance in my running but I have felt some pure unbridled moments of joy and happiness while running in monsoons. It might be messy for few but water filled shoes, totally drenched clothes and incessant rain is something that I treasure from the core of my being.

I hope this is just a beginning of a long journey. Every year, much to my wife’s chagrin, I am adding some new marathon to my bucket list. Let’s see where does it go…

Know Thyself - Vipasyana

Know Thyself – My Journey

It would be a travesty if my earlier note on Vipasyana (that’s the correct way of writing it…) confined the entire experience to physical discomfort of Adhistaan, no meals after lunch, ten days of silence, no gadgets and no contact with the outside world. Also, it would be puerile to believe that all the problems in life could be solved in ten days of Vipasyana. Life would be far simpler had that been possible.

I did the easy job first. I wrote mostly about the physical aspect. I deliberately didn’t mention my experience.

In various interactions, post my coming back, I had been asked many questions: was there a moment of epiphany? Did I find solution to my problem? Did I learn anything? How would I be different now? How did I tame my inner rebel to follow rules? I promised that I would make an effort to write my experience.

Penning down personal experiences has never been easy. Perhaps the changes are at a deeper subconscious level. In a way, Vipasyana course can be considered as a boot camp to get a few things straightened. Getting out of the sandbox of Vipasyana and implementing its rules in big bad world is the true challenge.

Fortunately for me I haven’t attended the program when there is an ongoing crisis in my life. My marriage is fine, my kiddo is doing reasonably well, I have a few worries related to my siblings but there is no crisis. Professionally, I am not looking for any dream assignment or a dream place to work. Nor am I looking for a heaven out there.

I do a reasonable job of introspection and reflection (this is not a self-indulgence). I have been able to come to terms with the tragic death of my father. I have moved on from most of the professional bitterness and acrimony. In fact, today, I have a deep sense of gratitude for life. I think I have been very fortunate and blessed. I have got a lot from the life. Hence there is not much to complain. In that sense, I am in a happy state to do some introspection at a deeper level rather than look for an immediate crisis resolution.

I am not saying there is no immediate provocation. My frequent ‘angry outbursts’ at work place is my immediate crisis (if it can be called so…). Uma, my wife, says it emanates from a deep-seated anger. I haven’t been able to resolve it. Is there a resentment that is tied in knots inside me? So far I haven’t discovered any. If I am able to curb my immediate and impatient response then I am sure I will be able to help others and myself too. I feel embarrassed even admitting it. But I recognize that acceptance may be the first step to a change.

At another level, I felt, I need to work on my will power. In my marathon running, I have experienced that I lose focus in the final lag. Endurance run (life is quite similar to an endurance run…) is all about training your mind to send a message to your tired body to continue. I have been looking for ways to improve my will power.

So, what did I do for 10 days? Meditation, that’s it? Yes, that was it. Somewhere I read, the greatest battles will be fought within our mind. I did wrestle with some of my ghosts in the meditation sessions. I remembered a lot of incidents – my growing up days, friends from school days (really a bygone era), professional incidents, etc. And I did think of sex. In fact, for first few days, that’s what came to mind before anything else. It might be the first level of our subconscious. I was told not to look at any thoughts with a judgment but allow them to flow. Once all rules were explained, it was easy to accept and implement them. I didn’t feel a need to challenge their way of doing it.

Vipasyana is little different from other forms of meditation. In our meditation session, we didn’t think of ‘a particular God’, or ‘a mantra’ to sharpen our focus. We just focused on our breathing and tried to recognize sensations (pleasant or unpleasant) that we might experience. When we first start meditation random thoughts appear and then just fade away. With slowing down of breath, the mind calms down and one becomes acutely aware of thoughts and impulse. In Buddhism, it is believed that mind alone can know and analyze the movement and nature of thoughts. Adhistaan brings a new dimension where the mind is trained to ignore pleasant or unpleasant sensation and stay focused on defined task.

With my Vipasyana experience, I have learnt little bit about Buddhism and Meditation. We have external faculties (hands, legs, eyes) and internal organs (heart, lungs, kidney). We have no control over our internal organs. Only breathing (external act) allows us to have control over our lungs (internal organ). By observing our breath, we can bring a harmony between our internal state and external environment. In a way, meditation is nothing but attentiveness to our breathing. This knowledge is basis of meditation and is almost 3000 years old in India.

Over a period of time, with relentless practice, the mind can learn to look at hatred, anger and jealousy arisen due to our attachment to outside objects. It is not true that the entire emphasis in meditation is to build concentration and endurance. Intellectual curiosity and high moral character are the other prerequisite for the next level of progress.

Gautam started his journey to Bodhisattva with an understanding that suffering is universal. Buddha called it duhkha. And Duhkha (suffering) is caused by trishna (craving). Suffering happens as the locus of control is seen outside us. It is assumed that status, wealth, family are the source of happiness. What is ignored is the perpetual state of motion. Buddhism sees human life as a journey of a river, constantly in motion and never static. Thereby, suffering is due to impermanent, uncontrollable and imperfect nature of the world. 

Trishna (craving) drives humanity. Each instance of craving involves an escape from here and now, a desire for becoming or being something or someplace other than what the present moment offers.  There is an inherent paradox here. By constantly striving to be somewhere else and seeking permanence in that elusive state, we expose ourselves to endless frustration. Happiness can never be truly possessed as long as it comes from conditions external to us, conditions that changes all the time. That’s why, there is a constant reminder in meditation to be here and now.

Do I buy into all teachings of Buddha? No. That’s not true. I am not so driven to seek moksh or an end to this cycle of rebirth. In fact, I realized that I love life a lot. I want to experience all the highs and lows of being a sensitive human being. I am sure I will be devastated at the loss of a loved one. I am sure I will enjoy a drink with friends. I still feel overwhelmed by a fine piece of music or writing. I am also very sure that my work is not I. It is a part of me but not me. In fact, given a choice I will always take the life of Ghalib over the life of Buddha as I want to experience all the pathos, pain, suffering, and yet be able to write few lines.

Nevertheless I have taken few baby steps. I have learnt few things. I still don’t have many answers. One that I struggle with every moment is to be here and now. In the end, I want to reach a situation best described in Bob Dylan’s song, Love Minus Zero, as “she knows too much to argue or to judge”

Know Thyself - My experience at Vipassana

Know Thyself: My experience at Vipassana - I

Lately, I have been greatly enamored by a) discipline and b) challenging oneself.   With the life we lead, it is very easy to get distracted and lose focus. That’s why it is important to keep a disciplined approach. Similarly, I fundamentally believe that ennui can set in if we don’t put ourselves in a challenging environment. And with an innate belief in the Socratic adage, “An unexamined life is not worth living”, I decided to ‘know thyself’ and give Vipassana a try. The idea of 10 days of total silence, no contact with any gadgets, no books, no music and no newspapers appealed to my instinct of challenging myself.

Vipassana means seeing things as they really are. There is an intense focus on introspection and self-purification.

The atmosphere at the center is austere, disciplined and structured around needs of 10 hours of daily meditation. You have to agree to abide by all discipline rules of the ashram – the most important rule being that of Arya Maun (Noble Silence – no eye contact, no gestures) and attending all meditation sessions.

Here all days are same. Unfailingly, same basic rules have to be followed every day. Life begins early - at 4 am. The first class begins at 4.30 and a two hours session is followed by breakfast at 6.30. You reassemble at 8am for another 3 hours session. Lunch is served at 11 and after a short nap, back for meditation until 5pm. No meal is served after lunch. You can have tea and some fruit at the evening break and then it’s back for the last session and evening discourse. Basically, after your lunch the next meal is breakfast the following day. Though it sounds harsh but it was the easiest things to adapt to. There is a proper science behind it. With 10 hours of daily meditation and virtually no physical activity, body metabolism drops significantly and more food will only make you sleepy during meditation. Not only body metabolism slows down but pace of life also gets reduced significantly. Life comes to a virtual standstill and the day looms large. There is nothing to kill time or no inane chat sessions over tea or coffee. This makes the entire environment very inward looking. You become the center. And there is no escape. 

Every simple act is codified and followed strictly. We were allotted a seat at mediation hall and dining area. You can’t change it. For ten days, I had all my meals staring at number 20.

Meditation

Mind is like a monkey. Nothing seems truer than this when you sit quiet, with eyes closed and try to focus. It is almost impossible. This is the reason for Vipassana to cut out all distractions. Volunteers take charge of the routine affairs and you have no other task other than to sit and meditate. On 4th day, we were introduced to Adhistaan, a form of meditation that we have to practice in three hour-long sessions daily. In this meditation form, you can’t move your body. You sit and close your eyes and then try not to move at all. It requires every ounce of willpower to sit and ignore all physical pains. Not only do you need to ignore all pains but you have to also examine every part of your body for the sensations that they may experience. There are times when you face pleasant sensations but most of the time you are in physical discomfort. This is the heart of Vipassana. You train your mind to deal pleasure or pain with equanimity.  

In the meditation hall, more than hundred people sit cross-legged, in a Buddha like pose, and try to master control over their mind. In evening particularly, it used to be very quiet. Total stillness. It used to feel as if life has come to a halt. In such a setting, suddenly the air would get punctured by a loud belching sound. Soon, as if it were contagious, belching would become an orchestra of varying soundscape.

Should one go for the Vipassana?

I am not the one who would advise all and sundry to jump on the bandwagon of Vipassana as Moksh is just round the corner. It’s tough. It’s demanding. It requires serious thinking. Ten days is a long time and your resolve will be tested at many places.  

One thing you must have in abundance to come here is self-love. Else, you will get bored. You have to bear your presence all the time. You will not be able to escape yourself. So, come well prepared. 

What didn’t work with me? 

In a place where there is a deep abiding faith in silence, voice of Guru Goenka resonates everywhere. Goenkaji died a while ago, but his recorded message is played during the evening discourse, sessions start with him giving rather detailed instructions in Hindi and then in English, his readings in Sanskrit and Pali are broadcasted all over the campus. He was surely in love with his voice. On top of that he had a habit of giving a musical turn to every single sentence. This continuous coarse deep voice can test the Samta (equanimity) of even Buddha. His evening discourse would meander through the teachings of Buddhism, Jainism, Hinduism, Sikhism, etc. 

Despite its repeated claims of being non-religious, there is a perceptible undertone of religion to the program. Just like all other religions believe that they have somehow discovered panacea for all ailments, similarly Vipassana is projected as a final route to salvation. 

I know I am a bit harsh on this aspect. The positives of the program far outweigh the negatives. Buddha is claimed to be first psychologist in this world.  He brought the focus to the ‘I’ of the individual. Vipassana lays great emphasis on the theory of learning and then its relentless practice. Here is a silent retreat that will not let you escape till it forces some serious introspection. For that one reason, all pains are worth a try. And as Goenkaji might say – Anichay, Anichay, Anichay… Impermanence, impermanence, impermanence…

And did I discover myself – yeh kahani phir sahi…