Know Thyself – My
Journey
It would be a travesty if my earlier
note on Vipasyana (that’s the correct way of writing it…) confined the entire
experience to physical discomfort of Adhistaan, no meals after lunch, ten days
of silence, no gadgets and no contact with the outside world. Also, it would be
puerile to believe that all the problems in life could be solved in ten days of
Vipasyana. Life would be far simpler had that been possible.
I did the easy job first. I wrote
mostly about the physical aspect. I deliberately didn’t mention my experience.
In various interactions, post my coming
back, I had been asked many questions: was there a moment of epiphany? Did I
find solution to my problem? Did I learn anything? How would I be different
now? How did I tame my inner rebel to follow rules? I promised that I would
make an effort to write my experience.
Penning down personal experiences has
never been easy. Perhaps the changes are at a deeper subconscious level. In a
way, Vipasyana course can be considered as a boot camp to get a few things
straightened. Getting out of the sandbox of Vipasyana and implementing its
rules in big bad world is the true challenge.
Fortunately for me I haven’t attended
the program when there is an ongoing crisis in my life. My marriage is fine, my
kiddo is doing reasonably well, I have a few worries related to my siblings but
there is no crisis. Professionally, I am not looking for any dream assignment
or a dream place to work. Nor am I looking for a heaven out there.
I do a reasonable job of introspection
and reflection (this is not a self-indulgence). I have been able to come to
terms with the tragic death of my father. I have moved on from most of the
professional bitterness and acrimony. In fact, today, I have a deep sense of
gratitude for life. I think I have been very fortunate and blessed. I have got
a lot from the life. Hence there is not much to complain. In that sense, I am
in a happy state to do some introspection at a deeper level rather than look
for an immediate crisis resolution.
I am not saying there is no immediate
provocation. My frequent ‘angry outbursts’ at work place is my immediate crisis
(if it can be called so…). Uma, my wife, says it emanates from a deep-seated
anger. I haven’t been able to resolve it. Is there a resentment that is tied in
knots inside me? So far I haven’t discovered any. If I am able to curb my
immediate and impatient response then I am sure I will be able to help others
and myself too. I feel embarrassed even admitting it. But I recognize that
acceptance may be the first step to a change.
At another level, I felt, I need to
work on my will power. In my marathon running, I have experienced that I lose
focus in the final lag. Endurance run (life is quite similar to an endurance
run…) is all about training your mind to send a message to your tired body to
continue. I have been looking for ways to improve my will power.
So, what did I do for 10 days? Meditation,
that’s it? Yes, that was it. Somewhere I read, the greatest battles will be
fought within our mind. I did wrestle with some of my ghosts in the meditation
sessions. I remembered a lot of incidents – my growing up days, friends from
school days (really a bygone era), professional incidents, etc. And I did think
of sex. In fact, for first few days, that’s what came to mind before anything
else. It might be the first level of our subconscious. I was told not to look
at any thoughts with a judgment but allow them to flow. Once all rules were explained,
it was easy to accept and implement them. I didn’t feel a need to challenge
their way of doing it.
Vipasyana is little different from
other forms of meditation. In our meditation session, we didn’t think of ‘a
particular God’, or ‘a mantra’ to sharpen our focus. We just focused on our
breathing and tried to recognize sensations (pleasant or unpleasant) that we
might experience. When we first start meditation random thoughts appear and
then just fade away. With slowing down of breath, the mind calms down and one
becomes acutely aware of thoughts and impulse. In Buddhism, it is believed that
mind alone can know and analyze the movement and nature of thoughts. Adhistaan
brings a new dimension where the mind is trained to ignore pleasant or unpleasant
sensation and stay focused on defined task.
With my Vipasyana experience, I have
learnt little bit about Buddhism and Meditation. We have external faculties
(hands, legs, eyes) and internal organs (heart, lungs, kidney). We have no
control over our internal organs. Only breathing (external act) allows us to
have control over our lungs (internal organ). By observing our breath, we can
bring a harmony between our internal state and external environment. In a way,
meditation is nothing but attentiveness to our breathing. This knowledge is
basis of meditation and is almost 3000 years old in India.
Over a period of time, with relentless
practice, the mind can learn to look at hatred, anger and jealousy arisen due
to our attachment to outside objects. It is not true that the entire emphasis
in meditation is to build concentration and endurance. Intellectual curiosity
and high moral character are the other prerequisite for the next level of
progress.
Gautam started his journey to
Bodhisattva with an understanding that suffering
is universal. Buddha called it duhkha.
And Duhkha (suffering) is caused by trishna (craving). Suffering happens as
the locus of control is seen outside us. It is assumed that status, wealth,
family are the source of happiness. What is ignored is the perpetual state of
motion. Buddhism sees human life as a journey of a river, constantly in motion
and never static. Thereby, suffering is due to impermanent, uncontrollable and
imperfect nature of the world.
Trishna (craving) drives humanity. Each
instance of craving involves an escape from here and now, a desire for becoming
or being something or someplace other than what the present moment offers. There is an inherent paradox here. By
constantly striving to be somewhere else and seeking permanence in that elusive
state, we expose ourselves to endless frustration. Happiness can never be truly
possessed as long as it comes from conditions external to us, conditions that
changes all the time. That’s why, there is a constant reminder in meditation to
be here and now.
Do I buy into all teachings of Buddha?
No. That’s not true. I am not so driven to seek moksh or an end to this cycle of rebirth. In fact, I realized that
I love life a lot. I want to experience all the highs and lows of being a
sensitive human being. I am sure I will be devastated at the loss of a loved
one. I am sure I will enjoy a drink with friends. I still feel overwhelmed by a
fine piece of music or writing. I am also very sure that my work is not I. It
is a part of me but not me. In fact, given a choice I will always take the life
of Ghalib over the life of Buddha as I want to experience all the pathos, pain,
suffering, and yet be able to write few lines.
Nevertheless I have taken few baby
steps. I have learnt few things. I still don’t have many answers. One that I
struggle with every moment is to be here
and now. In the end, I want to reach a situation best described in Bob Dylan’s
song, Love Minus Zero, as “she knows too much to argue or to judge”
